Noong bata pa ako, madalas akong bumili ng mga planner at notepad sa Papemelroti. Kung pamilyar ka sa store na ‘yon, alam mong marami silang goodies para sa mga tulad kong mahilig sa papel, stationery, cards, at iba pang bagay na gawa sa mga recycled na papel.
Isa sa madalas kong bilhin noon kahit kupit lang ang pera ko sa Nanay ko (hahaha) ay ang mga cards na may random hopeful and positive messages na nakasulat. I would randomly choose a card while my eyes are closed, read its message, and be enlightened.
I did not know that what I was doing back then was similar to what I chose to do now. I sling cards – hindi na nga lang mga messages nila Albert Einstein or Edgar Allan Poe… tarot and oracle cards na. I did not know back then that I was using those random Papemelroti cards as oracles.
Another thing about me, I am not good with English words talaga. But I find it easy to write a simple story, compose songs, and form ideas from random words and symbols. I can compare myself and relate to everything I could see. Sa bato, sa tubig, sa lubak sa kalye, sa tae ng kalabaw, sa amoy ng damong bagong bunot, sa kulay ng lubid, sa haba ng ruler. I made songs based on random words last 2020. Wala lang. Dati, I do that for fun and because it feels like I have so much words inside that wanted to come out as something. I have self-published a poetry book where the poems were based on the photos I got randomly using my phone.
I did not know again that my love for poetry, songs, and words will be useful for me now that I chose to do tarot reading and incorporate tarot reading in my personal spiritual practice and mental health.
Pero parang ang galing ko na niyan dati. Sabi ko sa sarili ko, magaling ako. Siguro kasi ang sukatan ko sa galing ay kapag hindi kayang gawin ng iba sa paligid ko ang mga kaya kong gawin. I was young. I was naïve. I was a different person.
I was also wrong for thinking na magaling ako. Many people can do what I can do… and they can do it more beautifully. Dumating ako sa point na andami kong kayang gawin pero wala ako ni isang na-master doon. Hahaha. Wala akong maipagmamalaki na expertise. I was thinking so hard. Saan ba dapat ako expert? Saan ba ako magiging masaya talaga? It felt like everything that I can do are just hobbies na lilipas din. I was lost. Hindi ko alam kung alin na doon ang totoo. Alin na ang gusto at hindi ko talaga trip.
That was the first time na na-realize ko na marami lang akong alam gawin pero all of those things were useless. Hindi ko na ma-appreciate ang sarili ko.
From sobrang yabang to self-doubting real quick.
2018… 2019… were the dead years. Parang my life turned upside down. Hindi ko na kayang gawin uli ‘yong mga bagay na dati kong nagagawa. I stopped writing novels for the publishing house. I stopped writing because I could not find the drive to write anymore even as short as haiku. My songs did not make sense. My music did not sound right. I blamed life and its pizza slices. Sabi ko, baka quarter-life crisis. I read some books pero parang tingin ko sa sarili ko, alam ko na lahat ‘yon. Ganoon ako kayabang sa sarili kong isip.
2020 was a catastrophe. Wala akong efforts to get back to writing or sa mga dati kong ginagawa kahit na marami akong oras dahil work from home naman. Akala ko okay lang ako. May moments dati na tinanggap ko na lang na ibang tao na ko. That writing and making fine things in life were just a phase of life. Na okay lang kahit wala talaga kong contribution sa earth at wala na kong magagawang amazing. Tingin ko last year, natanggap ko na ‘yon. But I know deep inside that the child in me misses those things. I have hurt myself and purposefully neglected what my inner child loved to do.
Gusto kong mag-resign sa trabaho ko last year pero alam kong hindi ako handa financially at mayoong global health crisis. Everything was so difficult. Lahat negatibo. Lahat ng nakikita ko, wala akong masabing maganda. Parang pinagtitiisan ko na lang dahil wala namang ibang pupuntahan. If I was in the ocean, my 2020 version of self was almost drowning. Ilong na lang ang nakalitaw, ses! Ang malupit doon, hindi naman ito dahil sa pagod ang katawan ko sa dami ng ginagawa. Pagod lang ako pero hindi ko alam kung saang bahagi ng sarili o pagkatao ako napagod. It was very challenging. All people around me seemed to be challenging me as well.
Parang… hindi ko nga mapatunayan sa sarili ko ‘yong gusto ko… bakit kailangan ko pang patunayan sa inyo? Nagpatong-patong lahat na wala na kong maisip na tama. Well, some blamed the pandemic. Ako, tingin ko I was meant to break at that point. Naging instrumental lang ang pandemic para magkaroon ako ng panahon na makita kung alin ang nawawala sa sarili ko.
In short, nag-pile up lahat ng frustrations, self doubt, at feelings of failure. I was meant to break. Kung dati, I was sure na walang breaking point ang lakas ko, noong dumating ang 2020, it was so quiet that I had the time and space to really see the truth… that all along, I was a hollow Line. And it was ugly. I was ugly. Hindi ko nagustuhan ang nakita ko.
Then I saw a tarot reader (as in super random sa Instagram) and booked her services. It felt like she knew me. Parang mas kilala niya ko kaysa sa sarili ko. Dahil sa kanya, I understood what I was feeling. I was badly hurt. I was in pain pero hindi ko naman inaamin. Pakiramdam ko kapag hindi ko pinansin, walang makakapanakit sa’kin. I was wrong. Na naman! For experienced people in the spiritual community, alam nilang ito ang panahon for shadow work. Heck, I didn’t even know how to start and what shadow work meant back then!
When that tarot reading worked and helped with my situation, I decided to study it so I can use it for my reflections. I also attended a Reiki I class because I know that I needed to heal and find my light first. Reiki worked so much wonders. Sobra. I can’t even explain how much comfort it gave me. Parang naiintindihan ko na ang sarili ko without any explanation. Parang nahanap ko na ‘yong kailangan ko sa oras na ‘yon.
I’m not yet the best version but I know I became better. I am forever a fool. Kahit nasaang bahagi ako ng buhay ko, hindi ko makakalimutan ang kahalagahan ng pagiging bukas sa iba’t ibang posibilidad ng buhay. Kahit pa wala akong alam. Kahit pa walang sigurado sa mga haharapin. Matatakot ako pero hindi ako aatras. Pipiliin ko lagi ang pag-abante o pag-atras, pero hindi ang manatili lang sa iisang lugar.
The Fool is a card of new beginnings. Pero nangangailangan ito ng maingat na paghakbang at pagtingin sa kapaligiran dahil baka isang maling liko ay mahulog na sa bangin. Discovering the tarot brought new beginnings in my life. I literally got The Fool as my first card pull when my first tarot deck arrived. ‘Di ba? So ayon. I’m sharing how I evolved. Mula sa pagiging mayabang at punong-puno ng hangin sa sarili, I realized that Tower moments are essential in life. 2018 to 2019, the storms were building up. 2020, the lightning struck me down. And it was the destruction I never knew I needed.
Right now, I’m still learning. I have a lot to discover, and I cannot wait to meet many more souls in this journey. And my key takeaway from everything that I experienced is that the Universe sends me what I need sa panahong sakto, kahit hindi ko pa hilingin. Kaya kung nakasalamuha ko kayo sa buhay na ito, maraming salamat sa pagdaan. Naging bahagi kayo ng pagkatao ko.
Lahat tayo ay pinagpapala, basta’t magtiwala.
– Line | The Purple Seeker